Jokes

[maynardvdm]

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

 

A. Where you left it.

 

:D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

rofl lol good one mate

[ONY]

Lol, thanks for the giggle Maynardvdm.

[help4me]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

 

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[maynardvdm]

ROFL. Good one Bonnie http://deephousepage.com/smilies/rofl5.gif

[maynardvdm]

Here is another one for you all :

Girlfriend 1.0 software

 

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

 

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

 

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

 

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

 

2. Minimize button.

 

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

 

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

 

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

 

Bug warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[Seth]

I don't get any of this:p

[maynardvdm]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

 

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

 

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

 

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

 

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

 

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

 

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

 

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

That's sick lol.

[RandyL]

But funny lol

[maynardvdm]

This one is for Randy :

Operating systems as beers

 

DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

 

Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

 

Windows 3.1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

 

OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

 

Windows 95 Beer -- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

 

Windows NT Beer -- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

 

Unix Beer -- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

 

AmigaDOS Beer -- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

 

VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

[RandyL]

That one Maynard is near and dear to my heart.

[maynardvdm]

I knew you would like it. :D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Very good Maynard very good indeed. :D

[maynardvdm]

Here is one for Wolfey :

 

The guide to wife translations

 

The wife says: You want

The wife means: You want

 

The wife says: We need

The wife means: I want

 

The wife says: It's your decision

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

 

The wife says: Do what you want

The wife means: You'll pay for this later

 

The wife says: We need to talk

The wife means: I need to complain

 

The wife says: Sure... go ahead

The wife means: I don't want you to

 

The wife says: I'n not upset

The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

 

The wife says: You're ... so manly

The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

 

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights

The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

 

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient

The wife means: I want a new house.

 

The wife says: I want new curtains.

The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

 

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.

The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

 

The wife says: Hang the picture there

The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

 

The wife says: I heard a noise

The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

 

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

 

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

 

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

 

The wife says: Am I fat?

The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

 

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

 

The wife says: Are you listening to me?

The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

 

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

 

The wife says: No

The wife means: No

 

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

 

The wife says: I'm sorry

The wife means: You'll be sorry

 

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?

The wife means: You better get used to it

 

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish

The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

 

The wife says: Was that the baby?

The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

 

The wife says: I'm not yelling!

The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

 

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

 

The wife says: The same old thing.

The wife means: Nothing.

 

The wife says: Nothing.

The wife means: Everything.

 

The wife says: Nothing, really.

The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

 

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.

The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

I'd don your anti Bonnie stab jacket Maynard if I were you mate.

[maynardvdm]

Then she will like this too : ROFL :D

 

Seminars for a woman

 

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

 

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

 

The following courses will be offered:

 

General Education:

 

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

 

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

 

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

 

GE104: How to Parallel Park

 

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

 

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

 

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

 

Home Economics:

 

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

 

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

 

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

 

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

 

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

 

HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

 

Interpersonal Relationships:

 

IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

 

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

 

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

 

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

 

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

[maynardvdm]

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

 

Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

 

Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 

Support: "What sort of trouble?"

 

Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",

 

Support: "Went away?"

 

Customer:"They disappeared."

 

Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 

Customer: "Nothing."

 

Support: "Nothing?"

 

Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 

Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

 

Customer: "How do I tell?"

 

Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

 

Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"

 

Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

 

Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 

Customer: "What's a monitor?"

 

Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

 

Customer: "I don't know."

 

Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

 

Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."

 

Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

 

Customer: ......"Yes, it is."

 

Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

 

Customer: "No."

 

Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

 

Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."

 

Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

 

Customer: "I can't reach."

 

Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 

Customer: "No."

 

Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

 

Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

 

Support: "Dark?

 

Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

 

Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."

 

Customer:"I can't."

 

Support: "No? Why not?"

 

Customer: "Because there's a power outage."

 

Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 

Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

 

Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"

 

Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 

Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 

Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[maynardvdm]

If anyone has a good (clean) joke feel free to post it here :)

 

http://deephousepage.com/smilies/bananalama.gif

[Guest CrazyComputerMan]

That's a joke made me giggle... Will forward to my friends

[DSTM]

Three blonds were walking along in a forest, and they come upon some tracks.

The first one looks down and says, "Oh look! Deer tracks!"

The second one claims they are bear tracks, while the third girl is convinced that they are raccoon tracks.

Suddenly, as the three are arguing, a train runs them over.:D

[DSTM]

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

 

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

 

"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"

 

He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"

 

"No," I replied.

 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

 

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

[maynardvdm]

I found this very funny :D:D

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that

ground crews lack a sense of humour.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by

maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal

accident.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[maynardvdm]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.! They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down! , you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

[maynardvdm]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

 

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

 

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

 

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?