Jokes

[Guest Saxon]

It's backup day today so I'm ****ed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well, you just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.

You'd really think people would learn not to call..

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H. HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.."

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

Now this *REALLY* *****ES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!

[Plastic Nev]

Nothing like real life to throw up some good funny moments, I had to wipe my screen after seeing "Sorry, had to mow the lawn". not to mention "My name is Dixie". Mustn't drink coffee when reading jokes in future.:D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

http://extremetechsupport.com/forum/24751-post34.html

[BeeCeeBee]

Last week a managed a business trip to my home in New Jersey and was really pleased to find that my son had left me a ticket to the New York Giants (NFL) football game. Now for those of you who dont know the waiting list for season tickets to the Giant's game is about 15 years. Tickets are actually the subject of any number of will disputes.

 

So even though I was seated high enough to require breathing aparatus I was nonetheless just glad to be there.

 

All during the first hald I was looking through my binoculars and noticed an empty seat about 15 rows up from the 50 yard line (midfield for you Brits etc.)

It stayed that way all though the half.

 

At halftime I decided to go down and ask if the seat was taken knowing full well that it would be unoccupied. I asked the fellow in the next seat and he told me that it had belonged to his wife but she had passed away and that I was free to use it for the day.

 

We struck up a conversation and finally asked why he had not given the seat to a friend a relative. "I tried," he said but they all decided to go to the funeral.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Lol Barry :D

[iwillbekingin2030]

lol i like the work virus joke...ha ha ha

 

:p "very funny mr scott, now beam down my clothes"

[RandyL]

I like that. So will the other trekkies here.

[Plastic Nev]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.

 

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'

Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

 

A little voice came out of the box:

 

'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!'

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Lol Nev you mad sod. :D

[Plastic Nev]

An old one, but the added bit at the bottom is new, (well it is to me)

 

Windshield tester

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The Britsh were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Next time, defrost the chicken.

 

One person who used to work for British Aerospace tells a similar story (which he swears is true), that these machines are actually used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate birdstrikes on the compressor blades. To thaw the chicken, someone left it in the gun overnight and performed the test in the morning. The results were somewhat different from the expected, and close examination of the high speed video footage showed a very startled-looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at Mach 0.7.

[Guest Saxon]

I sware to god that the chickens getting fired at windshields and turbines is true, I reely want to know if that addition about the cat is true....

[DSTM]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

 

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

 

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

 

"What a horrible way to die!"

 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

 

"Man, what a way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

 

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that..."

 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

 

"I shot him!"

 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

 

"He was wrecking my house."

[BeeCeeBee]

Now that was worth passing on !! LOLLLLL

[BeeCeeBee]

Just found this today so it may be very old

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[BeeCeeBee]

A very slightly rude joke from Ireland

 

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like the devil, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 10,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it! :D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Lol Barry, I heard a similar one a long time ago regarding a trowel and certain piece of male anatomy. :D

[Tootech]

Hey Saxon - the chicken fired at screens is true - they are fired at all sorts - I used to work with that sort of stuff.

 

A 3lb chicken would be fired at speeds up to about 450 knots, at a canopy, and sometimes they would go through it - imagine a poor pilot with that coming at him!

 

They are fired at engine intakes and other forward facing bits - you wouldn't think it but thet really do go through aluminium.

 

And the mess - it's just pulp, there's no bones....or anything, just gets washed down the drain.............

[DSTM]

Here is one, I got a chuckle from, when I read it.:D

Doctor's Office

 

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients is. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my di*k', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

 

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and sm iled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't pi*s out of it,' he replied.

[Dalo Harkin]

lol - I just had an image of someone with a big catapult firing chickens at objects, I know we shouldnt laugh at such things, but come on its like a sketch I saw years ago about testing on animals and it had all this slow music on and it slowly panned to a monkey in a dress putting lipstick all over its face - made me crack up -

It was the TV show that had all the foreign adverts and the classic of the woman that fell out the window eating a flake. :D:D

[Dalo Harkin]

A very slightly rude joke from Ireland

 

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like the devil, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 10,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it! :D

 

Thats a rip from desperado ;)

[BeeCeeBee]

:confused:The Eagles, Linda Rhonstadt or the movie with Anotnio Bandaras. If you are going to call me a thief at leat let me know who I am stealing from. (besides my own email - I mean i wrote it this morning.)

[Plastic Nev]

Jokes and funny stories come from all over the place, and are one of the few pieces of art that is difficult if not impossible to copyright.

Here is another-

 

Letter to the bank!

Dear Sirs,

 

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me... if one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Edited November 7, 2008 by Plastic Nev

[DirtyPolo]

What To Do When The Internet Goes Down

 

No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.

 

1. Panic!

An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with rational solutions. Panic is just nature's way of putting your body into over-drive. It's a defense mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss of your Internet.

 

2. Find A Telephone

Do you have access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet using a dial-up device along with a hardware device known as a "modem." Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead, use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant message. You can also use a telephone to call 911, an emergency service that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained technicians to find the source of the Internet's failure.

 

3. Use Your Back-Up Computer

It's always good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to harry over to a buddy's place where the Net is still up. If there is still no Internet at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for your connection to be restored.

 

4. Install A Game

In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can occupy your down-time. While it won't replace the adrenaline rush of intense networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough for your connection to return.

 

5. Perform Routine Maintenance

While programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely notice your separation from the Internet.

 

6. Turn On A Television Or Radio

Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents' living rooms, were once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a "remote control," a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard, you may be able to surf a limited number of "channels," while you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is only a one-way media.

In ancient times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully your separation from the Internet will be brief.

 

7. Read

People in pre-Internet times used to read "books" and "magazines", written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing "chores," or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the Internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable.

 

8. Go Outside

The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your dorm room, basement, or above-garage apartment suite, may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective distraction from your Internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun, because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure.

 

9. Spend Time With Your Spouse

Communicating with your wife or girlfriend may seem like a radical suggestion, but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount of time talking about your "relationship" may free up more Internet time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours of your life.

 

10. Use Your Emergency AOL Disk

If you find that your connection to the Internet is going to be longer than you can possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one hand...and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better alternative than connecting to that service.

Hopefully some of these Internet alternatives will be able to assist you during an offline crisis. Emergency radio broadcasts will likely advise you of the state of the Internet and be able to predict when your bandwidth will be restored, but remember to have an emergency plan in case your digital detachment is longer than you expect.

 

:P

[BeeCeeBee]

Great Stuff, interesting and informative.:)

 

However if you really want to perform a service to the Extreme Tech Support - Free PC Help Community you may want to advise the members where one can get those printed ebooks you mentioned.

 

I there any special software that is required to use one of these devices.

 

May one use these non ebooks if mobile phone text is the only written language that can be understood.

 

Is there an age requirement to use one or are they restricted to under a particular age.

 

Thank you in advance for any additional information you may supply.

 

Edited November 28, 2008 by BeeCeeBee

[DirtyPolo]

Great Stuff, interesting and informative.:)

 

However if you really want to perform a service to the Extreme Tech Support - Free PC Help Community you may want to advise the members where one can get those printed ebooks you mentioned.

 

I there any special software that is required to use one of these devices.

 

May one use these non ebooks if mobile phone text is the only written language that can be understood.

 

Is there an age requirement to use one or are they restricted to under a particular age.

 

Thank you in advance for any additional information you may supply.

 

 

 

LOl I don't understand :(

 

Maybe I should have added at the bottom where it's from, it's not true, just something to make people laugh, here's the link to it :P

 

What To Do If The Internet Goes Down