Jokes

[maynardvdm]

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said

 

 

"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?

[DSTM]

Good One, Maynard.:D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

The Female Menopause.

 

Questions and Answers.

 

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

 

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

 

:D :D

[maynardvdm]

lol.

 

ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish

off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998.

 

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations

10-10-98.

 

 

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a

collision.

 

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North

to avoid a collision.

 

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to

the South to avoid a collision.

 

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.

 

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS

BRITANNIA .........THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN

THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.............WE ARE

ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE

CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.

DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES

NORTH...............I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES

NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN

TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your move.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Air Traffic Control to Irish Pilot.

 

"What is your height and position?"

 

"6`2" and sat at the front"

[maynardvdm]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'

'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

[Guest Wolfeymole]

An Irishman was found wandering in the Sahara with a car door under his arm.

 

When questioned about this curious aspect he said;

 

"If it gets hot I can always wind the window down"

[maynardvdm]

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

[Guest Wolfeymole]

A letter from an Irish mother to her son.

 

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

 

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

 

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

 

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

 

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

 

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

 

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

 

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

 

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

 

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

[Mara]

Too funny!!!!!!

 

Oh dod, that was just too funny!!!

 

One needs warning before reading it, though - snorted my coffee up my nose and my eyes are still running from laughing!

 

Thanks so much for sharing - it's a great one!

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Glad you enjoyed it Mara love. :)

[maynardvdm]

ROFL :D Good one Wolfey.

[monkeyboy]

What's a Shih Tzu?

 

One with no animals.

[Martman46]

Hi to all in the forum I though it would be a good idea to start first post with something light hearted so here's my joke hope you like it.

 

A New Mall is built close to a Hamish family.

One day the father on impulse decide to take the whole family for their first vist to such a place. On entry the Mother and daughter head for the Womens Clothing whilst the father and son wander around gazing at the chandeliers and escalators. Eventually the become fascinated by two Large silver doors with a number 5 above. Has they watched the number counted down to 1 and doors opened and out came a beautiful young blonde. They both looked at each other wondering what was happening. Just then a little old lady came and entered the doors. The numbers counted up to 5 and a halted for a minute or so then the numbers counted down to 1, the doors opened and out came a beautiful young blonde. The hamish farther turned to his son and said "Quick son go and get your Mother"

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Lol not bad Mart :D

[maynardvdm]

Lol :D

[DSTM]

BUSTED!

 

 

 

WIFE: “What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: - - -silence - -

HUSBAND: “Schit.”:D

[DSTM]

Not hard to tell which is the Female Seagull,in this pic.:D

No offence,Ladies.

 

http://i35.tinypic.com/2m660js.gif

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Not in my house Dougie lol.

 

But keep it to yourself :D

[Plastic Nev]

Can any one identify with this? are you the guy on the left?

 

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y282/plasticpig/29mug6pjpg.gif

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Not me Nev, in fact I think the guy on the left is my next door neighbour. :D

[Plastic Nev]

I have two large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at My local Tesco, and was in line to check out.

 

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

 

Duh? ......

 

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?

 

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my arse when a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Lol a belter Nev :D :D

[pc plodder]

Docs tales

 

If you think we have it tough in the IT industry, try these for size -

Doctors' tales -

 

 

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in

the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

dress, and began to take off her under-wear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --- and I was in the wrong

one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

 

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive "myocardial infarct".

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told

me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to

put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't

see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the

instructions include 'removal of the old patch' before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long

have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,

"Why, not for about twenty years - last time was when my husband was still

alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis , OR

 

 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking

up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used

to the taste", the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled

"KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with

purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined

that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there

was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was

completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which

said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

 

 

AND FINALLY!!!.. ......... .....

 

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed

when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had

unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady

upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and

further embarrassing me I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm

sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you

were whistling was, "I wish I was in Dixie ........ and my name's Dixie !"

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[RandyL]

That was good.