Jokes

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Yeah

 

Pity it has actually happened to some people. :mad:

[Plastic Nev]

This sums up where we are now.:D

[Plastic Nev]

Some topical funnies.

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Good ones Nev :D

[Plastic Nev]

A chap went to the doctors, and said "when I push myself with my finger, here, or here or here, it hurts"

Ah said the doctor, you have a broken finger.

[Plastic Nev]

A man was sitting on a bridge, over a disused railway, with a fishing rod and line dangling over the edge. A passing chap, wishing to humour him, said "How many have you caught?" The guy with the rod said "Your the sixth".

[Plastic Nev]

On the theme of practical jokes.

First find a telephone number at random from the directory, then ask four or five friends to ring that number, and when answered to say "Hello, is Bert there please?". Hopefully there won't be a Bert, so will be told NO!!!

After the last friend has dialled the number and asked the same question, you ring the number and say "Hello, I am Bert, Has there been any calls for me?"

[DSTM]

How do you turn a Fox, into an Elephant?

 

 

 

>

 

 

 

>

 

 

 

>

 

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

You marry her.:D:D

[RandyL]

You are so bad Doug. :p:p

 

Beware the backlash. :p:p

[Goku]

You will pay for that one Doug. Just give me your phone number, lol. :p

 

-- Goku

[Goku]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

 

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points.

 

> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

 

> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

 

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

 

Here is a guide to the point system:

 

SIMPLE DUTIES:

 

You make the bed (+1)

 

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

 

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

 

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) but return with Beer (-5)

 

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

 

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

 

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

 

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

 

It's her pet (-10)

 

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

 

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

 

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) named Rita (-4)

 

Rita is a dancer (-6)

 

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

 

HER BIRTHDAY:

 

You forget her birthday (-50000)

 

You take her out to dinner (0)

 

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

 

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

 

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

 

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

 

A NIGHT OUT:

 

You take her to a movie (+2)

 

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

 

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

 

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

 

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

 

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

 

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

 

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

 

You hesitate in responding (-10)

 

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

 

Any other response (-20)

 

COMMUNICATION:

 

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

 

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

 

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

 

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

 

Now what chance do you have???

 

-- Goku

[DSTM]

Guess who is sleeping on the Sofa.:p :D

 

Reply to Posts 134 &135

Edited January 2, 2009 by DSTM

[BeeCeeBee]

Goku - The wisdom of a sage my friend!!!

[Goku]

Goku - The wisdom of a sage my friend!!!

See, I am not all geek.

 

Guess who is sleeping on the Sofa.

 

Reply to Posts 134 &135

Well, she must be in a good mood then. Try flowers.

 

-- Goku

[BeeCeeBee]

I don't know if this is the right place to post but need help!

 

I received the following notice while trying to log on to Extreme Tech Support - Free PC Help.

 

Please if anyone knows what this is I need advice!!!

 

http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn266/FPCH/getalife.png

[Plastic Nev]

Goku, it would appear I am in perhaps the lucky position of 0 points for I am single. However during the times I wasn't, I think that in most cases us men would be lucky if we could maintain an average -10 points. The big negative point scorer was "I shouldn't have to tell you what is wrong, you should know!!"

[Goku]

Goku, it would appear I am in perhaps the lucky position of 0 points for I am single. However during the times I wasn't, I think that in most cases us men would be lucky if we could maintain an average -10 points. The big negative point scorer was "I shouldn't have to tell you what is wrong, you should know!!"

Well, I am equal on that score too and plan to maintain it as long as I can. But if I ever get married, then I will get more negative marks for that post, lol. :D

 

-- Goku

[DSTM]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?:D

[Mara]

Oh dod!! It 'shouldn't' be funny - but it is!!! :D Great one, DSTM!!

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Just be careful when drinking Bud Lite Mara. :D

 

YouTube - Bud light - Horse Fart

[BeeCeeBee]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[DSTM]

Right design for a Wedding Cake.Old Man is right.:D

 

http://i41.tinypic.com/2ecfdrd.jpg

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Maybe the husbands on the left Dougie and that's why they are trying to shoot each other. :confused: :D

[Plastic Nev]

I was getting off my bike today when some fellow came over and asked where I got such a good looking bike. I told him that I was outside the supermarket yesterday, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took all her clothes off and said to me "Take what you want".

The fellow looked at me in a funny way, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway".

[BeeCeeBee]

I was thinking back to the days when I served with the American Embassy in the old Soviet Union.

 

It was amazing just how great a hold the "party" had in everyday thinking.

 

One day I was walking across Red Square in Moscow when a bit of precipitation began to fall.

 

There was a couple walking nearby (husband and wife, I believe) and the woman said, "I think I felt some snow on my face." The husband replied. "No that was rain." "I don't think so" said the wife.

 

Well at the same time Rudolf Macinov, the local Communist Party chief was passing by and the husband decided to ask him to settle the argument. "Clearly it is rain." said the party chief.

 

When he left the wife said "I still think it was snow."

 

"Dont be a fool" said the husband "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."

 

(note to mods - feel free to move this to "I love Snow.")

Edited January 18, 2009 by BeeCeeBee