Jokes

[DirtyPolo]

A man was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really annnoyed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

He has been missing since Friday...

 

 

:P

[BeeCeeBee]

A fond farewll to W

 

Dik Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

 

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

 

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

 

"How long did it take you?"

"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

 

PS. I know how to spell **** (Cheney) but Extreme Tech Support - Free PC Help won't let me. However since pointing that out our fearless Wolfeymole has corrected it so that we may now properly welcome any new member named Dick.

Edited January 19, 2009 by BeeCeeBee

[BeeCeeBee]

For Plastic Nev

 

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

 

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

 

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

 

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[Guest Wolfeymole]

What is the difference between PMS and BSE?------------------------------ One is mad cow disease, the other is something agricultural. :D

[Match]

LOL

 

 

now all I have to do is explain why I was laughing without getting smacked

[Plastic Nev]

You know you are getting old when the memory starts to fade, like here--

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

 

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

 

"Do you mean a rose?"

 

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Plastic Nev]

Another of similarity.

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

 

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

 

"No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

 

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

"Where's my toast ?"

[tismehi]

:Dwhat do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

no idea!:D

[tismehi]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

 

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

 

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

 

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?’

 

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going?’

 

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate’?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?’

 

'The Murphy twins are ****ed again!’

[Plastic Nev]

Mrs Brown went to her doctors and was behaving a little sheepishly, The doctor asked what was wrong, after all she had been seeing him for fifteen years.

 

She replied that it seemed a little strange though, so he replied "Well let me be the judge of that then, so what is the problem?

 

well she said, "when I went to the bathroom yesterday morning, there was a plink plink plink sort of sound, and when I looked there were lots of one penny pieces .

 

at lunch time, when I went again, this time it was two penny pieces, and later in the day it was fives.

This morning ten pence coins, and the last time before coming here it was twenties.

 

The doctor said "Not to worry, it is common enough, you are------

 

 

 

Just going through the change

 

 

:D

[Plastic Nev]

Last night me and the missus is watching a program about being in a coma till the end comes, so I said to the wife, I don't want to be just like a vegetable at the end, hooked up to machines.

Just pull the plug and stop the liquids.

 

She pulled the plug out for the TV and threw away my beer, she can be a cow at times.

[Plastic Nev]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

 

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night..

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed,

I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come

talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of

those fears.'

 

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever

come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 

'Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is an awful

lot of money! A bartender cured me for $20 a week. I was so happy to have

saved all that money that I went and bought me a vacation to Tuscany!'

 

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude, he added, 'And how, may I ask,

did a bartender cure you?'

 

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ! ! '

 

.....GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[Plastic Nev]

Life before computing.

 

Life before the computer.

* Memory was something you lost with age

* An application was for employment

* A program was a TV show

* A cursor used profanity

* A keyboard was a piano

* A web was a spider's home

* A CD was a bank account

* A hard drive was a long trip on the road

* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

* If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy... you just hoped nobody found out

[DSTM]

A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

 

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!

Damn, there go the lights again...

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

What do you mean, he's not insured?

Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!:D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

You did what nurse? I said "Prick his boil"

[BeeCeeBee]

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I'm afraid to pee.

[Plastic Nev]

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

 

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

 

 

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

 

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

 

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air=2

0

fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had t o move out for a few days, and in the end th ey even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

 

 

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

 

 

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

 

 

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

 

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement exchange for having the house.

 

 

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

 

 

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

 

 

A week later the man and his girl

friend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, and, to spite the ex-wife they even took.....

 

the CURTAIN RODS !

[Plastic Nev]

We all know someone like this.

 

A friend of mine, poor soul, is not a man you could even call attractive, add to that he is a shy and retiring sort.

Consequently he has never had a girl friend or even any sort of relationship with a lady.

He confided in me the other day, that if there really was such a thing as reincarnation, he would like to come back as a hens egg.

I asked why?

His reply was, that at least, for once in his life he would get ****.

[Match]

lol funny thing sex, it leads to children, the best form of contraception on the planet, :)

[Plastic Nev]

A young chap had just got his driver's license and asked his dad if they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible and get your hair cut ....then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."

 

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

 

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you.

You've brought your grades up and I've been watching you studying your Bible.

However, I'm a bit disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut."

 

The lad paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too."

 

To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Match]

There once was a poor carpenter, who decided that a computer would be useful for his buisness, being short on cash he decided to make one of his own

 

so he made a wooden case,

and a wooden Motherboard to go in the case,

a Wooden CPU,

some Wooden RAM,

a Wooden Hard Drive,

a Wooden Power supply Unit,

a Wooden DVD drive,

a Wooden Keyboard,

a wooden Mouse,

 

he even made a wooden Monitor, and Printer,

and when all was finished and plugged together,

he had just one problem!!

 

It wooden work !!!

[Plastic Nev]

Probably got one of those wooden worms in it.

[BeeCeeBee]

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

 

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

 

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

 

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

 

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

 

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

 

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You know"he said "you really are annoying when you're drunk, Superman."

Edited March 31, 2009 by BeeCeeBee

[Plastic Nev]

The biker and god.

 

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and the Lord spoke to him from above and in a booming voice said,' Because you have been a good man and TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

 

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

 

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the size of the pylons required to reach to the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take to construct them! Imagine the impact on the environment to undertake such a monumental construction.

 

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

 

The Lord replied, 'You want 1 or 2 lanes on that bridge

[tismehi]

speedin ticket

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette

convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road,

he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through

what little hair he had left.

 

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing

the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he

saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and

siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then

120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm

too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the

trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the

Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift

ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me

a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,

I'll let you go."

 

The elderly gentleman paused and said, "three years

ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought

you were bringing her back."

 

"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.