CSA (Child Support Agency)

[Guest Wolfeymole]

True answers to the Child Support Agencies question to the mother's of illegitimate children.

 

(A unique British institution founded to locate fathers of illegitimate children and make them legally aware of their financial responsibilities)

 

 

Q: What is the name of your child's father?

 

Here are the replies:

 

1:

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter but he drives a BMW that now has a hole made by one of my stiletto heels in one of the door panels.

Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if it has been replaced.

 

2:

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies (A nickname for British Army Regulars) look the same. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

 

3:

If you catch up with the father of my child can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's.

 

4:

I cannot tell you the name of my child's father as he informs me that to do so would have serious national security implications for the British government. I am torn between doing the right thing for my country and doing right by you. Please advise.

 

5:

So much of that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is that Delia Smith (A Television Chef) did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party mine might have remained unfertilised.

 

6:

I am unsure about the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when I was unexpectedly taken from behind. I can provide you with a list of people who I think where at the party if this helps.

 

7:

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember however that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track him down can you send me his phone number. Thanks.

[Mara]

Oh dod...

 

I'd like to think these were a joke but suspect some of them may not be far from the truth - gentle sigh.

 

Makes one wish it were legal to add birth control 'pills' to 'fast food'!

[Guest Wolfeymole]

I could name half a dozen women in my local pub that match the above moral criteria as we speak Mara. :confused2:

[Jelly Bean]

I belive most of these excuses have been used but with slightly diffrent version.

 

Has anyone visited Swansea of late?

[I4n]

I belive most of these excuses have been used but with slightly diffrent version.

 

Has anyone visited Swansea of late?

 

Not Swansea but spent a long weekend in Cardiff a few months back, I live in Essex, say no more ;) but some of the sights I saw made me wish there had been a lifegaurd in the Gene Pool :D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Rofl, I hear it's a graveyard with lights.

[Jelly Bean]

The baby was born ginger,so it could be Darren or his brother but I did sleep with a cousin of Darrens plus his uncle.Ginger runs in his family.:D

[Guest Wolfeymole]

Or as my (allegedly) cousin from Alabama said to me;

 

At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country & western singer?

[Jelly Bean]

"I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again."

[I4n]

Or as my (allegedly) cousin from Alabama said to me;

 

Yessiree I been in that town, banjo playing in the background and Possum on the BBQ ;)

 

Going back to the states in 3 weeks for my hol's as a matter of fact :)

[Guest Wolfeymole]

If you come across any mountain boys this leaflet may be advantageous Ian. :D

 

http://extremetechsupport.com/forum/fun-stuff/3466-redneck-engineering-exam.html

[I4n]

If you come across any mountain boys this leaflet may be advantageous Ian. :D

 

http://extremetechsupport.com/forum/fun-stuff/3466-redneck-engineering-exam.html

 

Very usefull but I would have to read it to them and they can't understand my accent, they think I'm Australian :confused: and when I explain that I'm a cockney well !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Anway, I'm looking forward to catching up with my friends and relatives on the other side of the puddle. Trouble is the bloomin country is so flammin big, Relatives in Georgia and friends in Missouri, got some driving to do :mad:

[RandyL]

Missouri?

 

Drive a few more miles and come see me.

[Cobra]

Missouri?

 

Drive a few more miles and come see me.

 

You might warn I4n to bring a portable tornado shelter. http://www.pchelpforum.com/images/smilies/001.gif We have such "breezy" weather here in middle America.

[RandyL]

Yes we do at times my fellow American.

[I4n]

Missouri?

 

Drive a few more miles and come see me.

Don't you just love our American cousins :) "A few more miles" in American generally translates to around 500 to a 1000 in reality :rolleyes::rolleyes:

Randy, my friends live in and around (you know, the odd 2 hour drive !) St Louis and we will only be with them for around 6 days before going back down to Georgia, just outside Chattanooga, absolutely lovelyl part of the country.

[RandyL]

So I have heard. Hopefully I'll get a chance to travel more as the wife retires this year.

[Plastic Nev]

I know this thread is now going way off topic, but can't help but mention something about a certain choo choo from chatanooga, with you having mentioned it Ian.

 

It concerns a chap and his friend who were on holiday in India.

 

The chap, we will call him by his surname of Purdon, while there found on sale a beautiful pair of locally hand crafted shoes, they had been made by a real expert and so after some haggling over the price he bought them.

 

Later that day, Purdon and his friend visited one of the local and fairly famous mosques.

as is well known, you must leave your footware outside, so they both did so.

 

Unfortunately, when they came out again he found his new shoes totally ruined and chewed to peices, a local person informed them it was an old but well known tomcat that had done the damage and then run off.

 

Not at all pleased with the outcome they walked back down the street to see if the craftsman could do something either in replacement shoes or perhaps a repair.

 

Just as they turned a corner, an old and well battle hardened moggie walked across the street, at which point, his friend shouted --

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Purdon me boy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I will go away now. :D

[I4n]

Taxi for Nev !